i am a happy world.

i warned you all that i am a super pro procrastinator.  starting this blog came with the… oh  shit, what’s the word… (‘foreclosure’ and ‘stipend’ flash in my weird brain and are totally not at all what i am searching for)… i’m going to go with PRESAGE (thanks, online thesaurus)… anyway, starting this blog came with a presage that i very likely might bail.  it’s not because i am lazy.  it’s because i am not the biggest fan of small talk.  if i don’t have anything to say, i’m not going to eek something out just to fill the void or keep my stats up.  i have too much respect for you to treat you as if our blog writer/blog reader relationship might only be yada yada fodder.  as i mentioned previously, i’m always searching for something deeper…

i am back in pittsburgh.  it feels nice and it feels different.  maybe it’s because everything outside is suddenly green and alive.  maybe it’s because my best friend is moving here in a month and my brain is operating my eyes in a fresh way, always on the lookout for future adventures with her.  maybe it’s because the last time i sat on this slouchy brown futon i felt like i was dying.  now, much like the drying hospital flowers on my window sill, i feel transformed… a more solemn, quiet, wiser version of better than ever.

it could also be the fact that i spent the last few weeks at home, in Dagtown, USA.  i may have mentioned before that it is my favorite place on earth.  it always has been, it always will be.  it’s quiet and unchanging and everyone has lived there for 100 years and they all help each other out.  it’s a comfort to know that no matter how many transformations i may endure (there have already been at least a handful), there is always that place i can go to where i am the same and unchanged, in simpatico with my surroundings.  do you have a favorite place to return to?  i hope so.  even if it’s a place you can close your eyes and find wherever you may go, i believe it’s very important to carry home with you and revisit it once in a while in any way you can.  hop in the car, meditate, click your heels and repeat the mantra ‘there is no place like home’…

i’m planted back, solid, on the other beloved end of the home spectrum.  back to noise, paved roads.  the smell of manure is replaced with an olfactory rainbow of street meat, car exhaust and the faint Mothers Mary and Nature.

i hope this post compels you to join the search for something deeper and to take home with you wherever the seeking leads.

and now… a self portrait?



slumber zombies.

i am duh-rained.  not because i feel like crap (i mean, i do… i ate a universe and all its cosmic sugary bits today) but because i had a really, very, greatly superb day.  the sun woke me up, warm lapping on my cheeks through the summer curtains in Phyllis’s guest room.  she doesn’t like me to call it the guest room.  it’s my room.  you can tell.  there is photo evidence of me growing up on every wall, complete with a Romeo + Juliet poster on the door.

you can’t have a bad day when its beginning is all sunshine and Leo.


dad picked me up and we “went into town” which, if you speak Dagtown tongues, you know that means we either went to Mansfield or Elmira.  in this case, it was Mansfield to pick up a fresh script for the still ever-pulsing pain in my back.  as we rode along to our points A , B and C we talked about music.  i put on some Spiritualized and told him about the magic in experiencing them live at Radio City Music Hall back in 2010, where they performed Ladies & Gentlemen We Are Floating in Space in its entirety with the whole shebang… the horns, the strings, the ivory-robed choir.  all i want in life’s a little bit of love to take the pain away.  the couple next to me got engaged during the performance.  it was a precious, quiet moment between the two of them.  i’m not even sure they knew i noticed.  it was really sweet.  i can still see them in my mind, their dilated gazes locked and flicker-lit from the stage.  it’s a much beloved memory.  i hope they’re happy and still being righteous together, oblivious that this sap of a stranger thinks of them now and again and wishes them well.

when we returned to Dagtown i was quick to head out the door and into the fresh air.  lawn mowers were buzzing and i wanted to soak up the fragrance of other peoples’ progress.  i walked down our whimsical Church Street and stopped at the bridge on the corner where i exchanged Good Mornings with a fisherman who was already wrapping up for the day, satisfied with his technicolor catch.  i tried to work out a phrase about “the early worm” in my head and just ended up muttering ridiculous things under my breath as i took a picture of one of my favorite scenes… the stream and the shack.  i stood and listened for a bit, wanting so badly to be underwater.


in fact, right now, i actually feel like i am.  underwater, i mean.  or maybe it’s the slobber of the slumber zombies nibbling at my sucked-dry bones.

i would continue going on about this fabulous day, but i have another one ahead of me and i have to make sure there’s enough of me to fully embrace it.  i needed to at least get something up, though, as i have promised myself that i will do this every day until i can trust myself to take a break and not quit completely.  baby steps.

okay, okay… the jaws and claws of the slumber zombies are no match for those of my guilty conscience.

short and sweet… i was visited by my lovely future-sister, Michelle.  there was much candy, cake and brownie consumption as we marathoned a full card of Yahtzee.  i’m a Yahtzee fanatic.  we’ve played from the same box for as long as i can remember.  having your name on a card in that box is almost a rite of passage.  family, friends, high school sweethearts, old, new, alive, dead… i wonder if the makers of Yahtzee realized that they were also creating a time capsule.


-oh no, more slumber zombies… the stronger, faster kind.  the Stretch Armstrong kind.-

before we ended our sister visit, we snapped a shot in the sun by the pasture.


-they got me by the eyes, pulling my lids like blinds-

i’m falling prey/asleep, gobbled up like dumb bubblegum, you beautiful people.

and now, a picture of what is absolutely certainly Juicy Fruit… a lifelong Porter/Garrison family gesture that means you are much loved.


all the Juicy Fruit to y’all.